April 24, 2005

Fair Fight....Solve It.........

Muse for this post is Hari The Hadron…. Who said “Marriage is is all about CARE and BEAR and never just DARE and BARE” in his http://harithehadron.blogspot.com/2005/04/failing-marriages-and-increasing.html

Marriage is an Institution….it should be respected…it’s a kinda love, sharing, security for both sexes…here are some solutions to solve simple problems which pop up between partners

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." -Source Unknown

One should always feel free to express or talk about something he/she feels is wrong. Remember, it isn't WHAT one says… it's HOW one says it!

Take time to hash out differences:
Find time….being considerate of partner's time contributes …….to the amount of courtesy he/she will show when faced with discussion.

Don't presume things:
It is not possible to know exactly what is going on in ones mind, unless its told. Trying to figure out what the partner thinking may lead to tragedy…. just ask…….. It can save a lot of grief and avoid HUGE misconceptions by taking the time to just talk it over.

Discuss only the present:
If a problem is to be resolved one has to make his/her partner feel like they can actually resolve it. Bringing up the past …..discussing it, that no matter what changes or efforts he/she has taken to improve the condition, still holding him/her accountable for past actions is bad. There’s no motivation for improvement then…….

Say you're sorry! :
Don't hold out and try to redirect the blame to something or someone else. If a promise was broken, …………said something and did something else ………..and rather not confess to, it's up to the individual to make amends. Not only it will make feelings better but the partner will learn to trust you more knowing you're willing to accept responsibility.

Take a timeout before things get too heated:
If anger level is rising, take a 15 minute timeout to gain a new perspective. Take a walk, listen to some music or do some housecleaning to help dissipate your ire.

Don't fight in front of friends or family:
A major disagreement in front of others will put the other person on guard. In addition, instead of the disagreement staying a personal matter, which it should be, it now becomes open to other input. Do not allow anyone else adding in their two cents, even if it's in support of your feelings. Think about it from your partner's shoes. Agree that both will talk about what happened away from prying eyes and ears"

The art of listening –solution to many problems

When a relationship goes sour, one of the first things to suffer is communication. If we can't communicate with each other, then there is no possible way to salvage the relationship. The thing to do is to prevent communication from ever being a problem. One of the most important aspects of this is to learn how to be a good listener. Lets see how to achieve this.

Give your complete attention
When your wife/lover wants to talk, put everything else out of mind and actually be there while your partner (he/she) is talking. You cannot possibly listen to them if you are thinking about other things you would rather be doing, or have to do.

Listen to what is actually being said
This is especially true if you are in a disagreement. It is very easy to pick out the things in what your partner is saying that you want to hear and can throw back at them. This is not some high school debate class where you score points for winning an argument, this is your sweetheart and your actions here and now will dictate the course of the rest of your life together!

Look at them when they are talking to you
Have you ever tried to talk to someone that refused to make eye contact with you? It is very disheartening, especially when you have something important to say. When talking with your sweetie, actually look at them and not around the room.

Notice the hidden emotional tone of your partner
Very often, your partner won't say exactly what is on their mind straight away and it is up to you to draw them out. By looking for their emotional tone, through their body language, voice inflections etc., you will get a very good indicator of what is actually bothering them and also how it is affecting them.

A correct acknowledgement can very often completely resolve a dispute in one go. It has a two-fold effect: 1. It tells the partner that you have heard and understand what they are saying and 2. It makes them feel better by releasing some of the emotional baggage that may have built up on the subject. A good rule of thumb when there is a lot of emotional baggage attached to a situation, is to acknowledge them by repeating in your own words what they have just said to you.

Remain calm
Sweetheart is angry, very often they will lash out because you are there and you are someone they can take their frustration out on. While this may not be pleasant and the most ideal way to handle a situation, I'm afraid it is part of the job description of being a sweetheart. Realize that it is just a way for your sweetie to vent and resist the urge to get angry back, it will only make things worse.

Courtesy- www.lovingyou.com & essence of marriage

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